Tuesday, 8 December 2015

Schrödinger’s waiting room


Diagnosed. And not diagnosed. Simultaneously. Positive and negative test result at the same time. We are Schrödinger’s cat. Over and over again we have been in the same position, and I think it may actually be getting harder, or at least more perverse.

It the classic physics thought experiment, the cat in the box is both alive and dead at the same time until it is observed. I’ll let you Google the idea. I’m not a physicist and don’t think I can do it justice (truth be told, I ran away to Christmas break 24 hours before my 1st term physics exam at university when I found out I could take 2 stats courses instead). But the idea of this state of unobserved being and not being has stuck with me. Who knew it would be so relevant to our life.

The past 13 years have brought about so. many. tests. And yielded so few answers. And with every one, after every one we end up Schrödinger’s cat – in this state of being and not being. At the same time, in my mind the result is both positive and negative (or inconclusive) simultaneously until the results are observed. Or at least observed by the doctor and then by us in the blessed follow up appointment, whenever that may be.

The waiting. Oh the waiting. The state of flux during the waiting. It’s been thirteen years of testing and waiting and being and not being. Thinking every time that this might be the answer.

I’m no fool. The hope is squashed down into a tiny place and not allowed to come out to play any more. I pretend a state of calm, of waiting peacefully with no expectation. Am I fooling anyone?

Really it’s a state of diagnosis and non diagnosis simultaneously. It’s the best I can do; both states existing, side-by-side, vying for space in Schrödingers waiting room. Waiting for an answer.